Crossed Transactions

Husband : "Do you know where my cuff links are”
Wife (response 1): "You always blame me for everything!"
Wife (response 2): “Why don’t you keep your things at the proper place”
Wife (response 3): “They are in the left drawer”

The question and its three responses constitute the classic example Dr Thomas Harris gives to illustrate the presence of three “Ego States” that participate during interactions between two individuals. The three ego states are named as Parent Adult & Child (PAC). The method of so studying the interactions is called Transactional Analysis (TA). Dr Eric Berne is the credited with creating the framework of TA for the study of human interactions (transactions).

The unit of social intercourse is called a transaction. If two or more people encounter each other... sooner or later one of them will speak, or give some other indication of acknowledging the presence of the others. This is called transactional stimulus. Another person will then say or do something which is in some way related to the stimulus, and that is called the transactional response.

The first response, in the above example comes from the child ego state, the second being the parent response and the third an adult response. Diagrammatically, the transactions are represented in the following manner:

In the diagram the first set of three circles represent the three ego states of the first person and the second set those of the second person. In our example, the question, “: "Do you know where my cuff links are” is coming from the adult of the first person (husband) and is directed at the adult of the second person (wife). If the wife comes up with a matter of factly answer like response 3, “They are in the left drawer” the transaction becomes complimentary and the communication may continue endlessly (as long as the transactions are complimentary). However as the transactions become crossed, as in response 1 & 2, the communication will break down.

In general, parallel transactions are complimentary in nature and crossed transactions lead to breakdowns.

The purpose of writing this backgrounder is to bring to light 2-3 types of crossed transactions that I have seen happening commonly:

Example 1:

The most common occurrence between husband and a wife (cited above) and between one of the parents with their offspring,

Son: Wow! what a great piece of music (referring to a rock number). (C to C)
Father : These days you only enjoy this noise. Listen to classic music, how soothing it is. (P to C)
Suggested response: Yes, which band is it.
Or
Son: Where is Kolkata in this map of India (A to A)
Mother: You young people do not have any idea of Geography, we could spot Kolkata when we were in sixth grade (P to C)
Suggested response: here at the east coast near Bangladesh border
Example 2

When a person says something in a jocular manner (child to child), it is taken by the recipient literally and responded to by his her parent (parent to parent/ child).

Husband: I am very hungry. Could do with a dinner of mutter paneer, french fries, bhindi and dal with some chutney. (C to C)

Wife: I am not a machine to be making all this. Its already 8 PM. You must think before you speak (P to C)

Suggested response: Yes, you have forgotten the Rayta & missi roti

Example 3

Manager: Have you completed the presentation. (A to A)

Employee: I have been working since 7 AM. What do you expect? (P to C)

Suggested response: I have completed 16 slides and will finish it by lunch tomorrow. It is so lengthy.

The idea is to make our transactions complementary so that healthy communication ensues